"Sorry, What Did You Say?"

Why are we apologising for our disabilities?

My most commonly used phrase - and, ironically, my least favourite - is "I'm really sorry but I can't hear you; you're going to have to repeat yourself." I've convinced myself that asking people to repeat themselves is a terrible imposition; a burden so horrifying that it demands profuse apologies. How dreadful it must be to have to say something more than once. On reflection, I know this is ridiculous.

Daddy Wood never fails to remind me how irritating he finds my habitual apologising. I’m genuinely terrified of using the word “sorry” in his presence (even when I’m 20 minutes late to meet him and an apology would actually be justified – and polite.) His frustration has had a positive impact, however: I’m actively working towards avoiding over-apologising, especially when it’s completely unnecessary and related to my disabilities.

As with many resolutions that revolve around breaking habits, I knew I needed to start with exploring why I felt the need to constantly apologise, particularly when it’s effectively apologising for being deaf - a disability, and something entirely out of my control. Whilst my upbringing has a lot to answer for (meet my lovely mother and you’ll understand – an expert over-apologiser), a large extent of it is rooted in disability discrimination and negative reactions I’ve had to both my hearing loss and epilepsy. When asked to repeat something, responses have included:

· Loud, exaggerated “I SAID…” – think Basil Fawlty in ‘that’ episode of Fawlty Towers

· Spppeeeakiiing veeerrryyy slllowwwlllyyy (Seriously, why are you speaking like that? Is everything alright?)

· Mournful sighs, likely inspired by 19th Century literary heroines gazing wistfully through windows

· “ARGH, I’VE ALREADY SAID IT TWICE” (Alright, chill out mate)

Sadly these reactions aren't uncommon. Is it any wonder then that asking for repetition is accompanied by a sense of anxiety and trepidation?

It’s worth remembering historical views and attitudes towards disabilities and disabled persons. Epilepsy in particular was considered a sign that a person was ‘possessed’. Until the 19th Century - when disabilities became acknowledged using the medical model - certain cultures would treat disabled people with fear and contempt. Babies were placed on concrete slabs outside, exposed to the elements until they died. Is it possible that these views have been branded onto social consciousness, unknowingly affecting people’s response to disability in spite of reforms to disability equality, permeating society on an unconscious level? Andrew Pulrang seems to think so…

In Pulrang's article "Words Matter, And It's Time To Explore The Meaning Of Ableism", published on the Forbes website, he urges people accused of Ableism – discrimination towards disabled persons through the favouring of non-disabled persons – to not take it as “a personal insult or condemnation”. He goes on to argue that ableism as a form of discrimination should be considered “much more important as a set of social structures than a set of personal behaviors or attitudes” adding that “the reason ableism is so pervasive in society means that it’s hardly surprising that many if not most of us probably harbor ableist beliefs and act in ableist ways now and then.” His casual phrasing – “hardly surprising” and “now and then” – is ironic given the title he gives to his article, “Words Matter”, and excuses individual prejudice and acts of discrimination towards disabled persons. Pulrang’s readers can breathe a sigh of relief; not only have they been pardoned of their disability discrimination by an established magazine, but by a disabled person themself. It’s not our fault, it’s simply the pervasion of disability discrimination in society, they can reassure themselves; and Phew! We’re not the only ones, which makes it acceptable. Pulrang has a lot to answer for here.

Disability discrimination is systemic, but it should not be exempt from eradication on the basis that it’s “too” embedded in social consciousness. There is no excuse for discrimination, and individuals need to take account for their own attitudes and prejudices rather than using historical and societal treatment as a scapegoat. Responsibility needs to be taken on an individual level and considered the first step towards dismantling ableism within society. For my own views on this subject, I am not sorry.